Finding My Footing with the Flu

Nursing school has been very hard, harder than I had imagined. I never thought it would be a walk in the park. I never thought it would be easy. I also never thought that I would want to quit, but I did, more than once.

It's hard to be a wife, a mother, and a student. I had managed this very well until this semester. I guess I had idealized Nursing school, I just knew this was were I was supposed to be. But, as I have gone through school this semester, I had begun to question it all. I wasn't making the grades I was used to, the material was harder, I wasn't a natural at it. All of this scared me. More than once I tried to figure out what major I could change to with all the classes I had taken, that wouldn't put in school for another year. *sigh*

The past two weeks have been better and I have been finding my way through all this. I have made it over the hump by finishing some very hard practicals (i.e. putting in a catheter and nasogastric tube). Things have been looking up, but not as much as they did today.

Today I had flu shot clinic, I was really nervous before I got there. Once I was there, I was excited and nauseated. I was worried about sticking people and happy that I was going to stick people. It was confusing.

My group was assigned to the morning shift which started at 7:30 am. We opened the doors to the clinic at 8 am, I was literally shaking. We had all our supplies lined up, I had my questions to ask my patients. My first patient set the tone for the day, here is our conversation:
(he was a 75 year old gentleman)
M: "Hello sir, how are you feeling today?'
H: "I'm perfect, thank you."
M: "Have you had a flu shot before?"
H: "Yes, I get one every year."
M: "Have you had any problems? Any aversions?"
H: "No, am I supposed to?" laughing
M: laughing "No, you aren't. Do you have an allergies to latex, eggs, anything?"
H: "Nope."
M: "And are you currently pregnant?"
H: Laughing hysterically "Yeah, pregnant with twins, can't you tell!"
M: "You look fantastic! What's your secret?"
and I stick him while he is still laughing
H: "It's all those old people pills I'm on, they keep the babies small. Hey, are you done all ready? I didn't feel a thing!"

And that's how it went for the rest of the day. I ask all my patients, young, old, male, female, if they were pregnant. It kept them laughing and made it so easy for me. I had such a good time and I knew that I was meant to do this.

A New Level of Tired

I honestly can't remember being this tired in my life. Not when Liam was a newborn and only sleeping a few hours a night, not when the boys were sick, not ever. This is a different kind of tired. It's the kind of tired that you feel in your bones, the kind of tired that after you sleep for 8 straight, blissful hours, you wake in an exhausted state. This is mental exhaustion and it sucks.

I remember the days of newborns and sleep deprivation. Liam would wake at 3:00 am and stay up until 5 am, I would go back to bed and an hour later Aiden would get up for the day. I remember that Chad and I would split the sleeping schedule, some nights I'd go to bed at 6 pm just so I could catch up on sleep. Even with those memories fixed in my head, I can say truly, I am more tired than that.

My life is hectic and over-scheduled. I average about 3 tests per week, which means I live in a state of perpetual studying. I am getting cramps in my hands from writing out note cards. Nursing school is grueling, it has maxed my thinking capacity and I have been forgetting to do key things in my life, like pay bills. You don't even want to see my house, it's gross! I am seriously considering getting a maid.

I know I am ranting and I know that I chose to do this, it is just so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm off to study some more, I have had my allotted break.

I'm not dead

I know, I know... I don't call, I don't write. What a crappy friend I am. I'm just figured I'd drop you all a line, let you know that I haven't fallen of the face of the Earth. Some day soon I will catch up on blogs and emails, phone calls and forum chit chat. For now, I am so busy...I am so tired, I just don't have it in me. Please forgive me.

I knew this would happen.

Once again, this is the house of ill!

We were just settling into this new routine. It was Wednesday afternoon, I had just gotten out of lab and had planned on eating lunch and working on some homework. The phone rings, it's Aiden's school. "Mrs. Peterson, this is Tina the school nurse. We have Aiden here, he has a temperature of 100.3*, you'll have to pick him up. By the way, since his fever is over 100* he isn't allowed to come to school tomorrow." OH BOY!

I went to pick him up, then we went to go get Liam together. Aiden was acting fine. He had a cough, but he was active and joking around. We got home and I checked his temp, it was normal. It didn't really matter what his temp was, he had to stay home on Thursday, my only free day from school. By the end of the night Liam had the cough too, I kept them both home on Thursday. Needless to say, I got nothing accomplish on my homework day.

The boys were supposed to be going with Chad out of town. Since they were supposed to leave on Thursday night, I decided to take the kids to the doctor and make sure nothing was seriously wrong with them. Our appointment was at 2:30. We go in, see the doctor, she says that Aiden has the beginnings of an ear infection and a cold. She says that Liam has a the beginnings of a cold and basically gives him a clean bill of health. She prescribes Aiden meds, none for Liam.

I told Chad that he and the boys were good to go on their trip. I packed them up and sent them on their way. By 7:30 that night, it was clear that Liam was not OK. He was coughing so hard that he was gagging himself. He had so much drainage that he was puking mucous. Chad was freaking out because he had never cared for the children (while they were sick) on his own.

Liam ended up in urgent care. They had to put him on a nebulizer, they took x-rays and listen to his chest. He has pneumonia. How in the world did our doctor miss this?! If he had pneumonia at 7:30pm then he most certainly had it a 2:30 when I took him to see the doctor! Unacceptable!

I'm glad that the boys were close enough to come home. I happy to report that Liam is feeling better. Both boys still have yucky sounding (that's a medical term) coughs. Man, steriods crack Liam out. He runs around here like a freaking maniac!

As for what I knew would happen...I can't be around two small sick children and coughed on in the face without getting sick myself. I now have a sore throat and massive drainage, I just can't afford to be sick. I can't miss school and I won't, it's just gonna suck to be in class all day tomorrow feeling like I've been hit with a mack truck.

Good times.

That which doesn't kill us...

I'm scared. I start school tomorrow and after orientation on Friday, I am completely freaked out. I have this oh-shit-what-did-I-get-myself-into feeling. I spent those 3.5 hours getting excited about finally doing something that I think I'll love, then becoming mortified! This is it. What if I fail?!

More than one professor took the opportunity to tell us that this program is harder in many ways than the graduate program at the school, if you survive it you can easily get your masters afterward...great. Then, they actually did the look to the left of you, look to the right of you, one of the two of you won't make it all the way to the end thing. Ugh! No wonder there is a nursing shortage in this country, if only half of them make it through the program, that means that there will only be 32 in my graduating class.

After the all too scary and real orientation, I went to go purchase my books for this semester, hold onto your hats people... I needed 14 books! Now, ask me how much that cost...$1000!!!! I also bought my first stethoscope (also required), I love the thing!! It is super cool, all black ( I bought the stealth edition) it was $117. Then I had to buy my scrubs and lab coat, another $150. Plus, some ugly ass white leather nursing shoes. This semester is killing my bank account!

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Aiden started the 1st grade last week. I cannot believe that he is so big! He seems to like school this year, his teacher is very young (I think that she might be 24), Aiden thinks that she is "hot", his words, not mine! The only thing that Aiden has really said about school at all is that "it's long" (last year kindergarten was 1/2 days).

With me in school in full-time, Liam has started full-time preschool. I'm very proud of him. He is back in the school that he and Aiden went to this summer. He has taken to full-time preschool very well, better than I had expected.

Now, if I could just get over the guilt of not spending every single second with my kids, life would be great. It's quite silly to feel guilty about this but, I do.

So, yeah...

To say that I have been busy these past few weeks would be a gross understatement.  We have had a lot of stuff going here, I don't even know where to start.  I suppose I should start with Aiden's 6th birthday (I'm such a bad mom, I should have written about this last week).

Last Saturday was Aiden's birthday.  My baby turned 6, I cannot believe it! We opted to have a small party with just a few of Aiden's friends.  Aiden wanted to see a movie, so we took 5 boys to see Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.  Before you all flog me for the movie choice, I spoke to each one of the boys parents and they all consented to the movie choice.  At first, I thought that taking 5 kids to a movie would be madness.  I prepared mentally for insanity, however, these boys were so good!!!  Everyone went to the restroom before the movie, everyone sat down together, everyone shared the snacks.  Not one child got up to pee during the movie, not one got antsy, none of them said a peep during the entire 2 hours and 30 minutes.  They were entirely sucked into the movie. 

We got back from the movie and had cake and ice cream, then we opened presents.  Here are a couple of pics from the day:

My little sister Elise came into town for Aiden's birthday and stayed the week with me.  I wish that we would have picked a better week for her to stay with me.  She comes to visit one week out the summer every year.  We plan these visits months in advance.  I didn't realize at the time that I would be in school over the summer, or worse, that I would have finals the week she was here.  We made the most of her visit.  We had a lot of fun (when I wasn't knee deep in books).  I took her shopping, we went out for coffee and she helped me study for my Philosophy final.  She left yesterday and I miss her already.  The good news is, I'm going to visit her in Chicago in August, YAY!

This week was finals week.  Taking 9 hours in the summer is just a BAD idea.  Not that I can't handle it, but wow, it's a lot of stress.  I feel good about my exams, at least I know I passed all my classes.  I'm glad to be done, I really, really need a break.

Of course, my stress level was not helped at all by Liam's surgery, which was scheduled the day after my finals.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM.  They checked us in and had us back in a room by 5:45.  They got Liam assessed, changed and ready to go by 6:30 and he was wheeled off to surgery by ten til 7.  At 7:20 the Dr came back to the room and told us that he was in recovery and everything had gone well.  20 minutes later he was out of recovery and back in the room with me and Chad.  It was over so fast, it's hard to wrap your brain around it.  It took them less time to extract body parts from my son than it took me to complete my Statistics final the day before.

We were back at the house by 9:45 AM.  And Liam, you'd never know anything had happened to him at all.  He has been running around here just like before.  If it were an adult, we'd be whining and crying in bed.  Not him.  We haven't even given him his pain medication.

I guess that sums up the past couple of weeks, I know there is more...*shrug* I just can't recall it.

Conflicting Emotions

On one side of the emotional spectrum:
I love my kids. I have spent every single day with them (minus a vacation or two) since they were born. I have been a stay at home mom for more than 6 years and I have loved it.

On the other side of the emotional spectrum:
I love my kids. They are driving me completely insane. They are constantly getting on each others nerves, fighting and pushing one another's buttons and in turn, pushing mine.

The thing is, in a month, everything is going to change. Everything. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

I start nursing school on Aug 24. I will be in school from 7 am until 4 pm, roughly. Aiden will be in first grade, so he'll be in school full-time and Liam, we decided to keep him in preschool where is going now. So, Liam will be in preschool full-time too.

So, on the one hand, the kids have been driving me insane with their fighting. One the other, I am about to go the way of the working mom and only get to spend a few hours a day with my kids. Part me is devastated that I will not be their sole care provider and part of me can't wait to have a little bit of separation from them.

It's actually a very powerful emotional conflict. And, honestly, if they weren't picking on each other so much right now, I think that I would be having an even harder time with leaving them for most of the day.

Generally speaking, I like change. I think that having new and fun things to do is exciting. I am excited about nursing school, leaving the kids is just such a huge change...it feels almost wrong.

I know the kids will be fine, they'll handle this better than I will. I will miss hanging out with my kids all day and taking them where ever and doing what ever we want. At the same time, I know that I'll appreciate the time we get together that much more, now that my time will be so limited.

One more month of fun.